Thursday, August 12, 2010

one question

okay just one question... how is it that the whole universe is in constant motion and i seem to be at a complete standstill. our house still hasn't sold, my husband's biggest client just went bankrupt (due to no fault of his own. some things are just bigger than we mere mortals), i'm still at square one with our last little snowflake, who must be frozen to death by now....

i know i said just one question but actually there's two. the second one is WHEN

i use to ask my mother the same question, "when am I going to get married and have a baby?" she would reply, holding me in her arms (even though i was well into adulthood), "don't worry, it will happen, when the time is right."

well i'm feeling as though my feet are stuck in flypaper but i guess this is better than sinking in quicksand. so i'll keep my chin up and wait for the sun to shine.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Been such a long time

Seems like such a long time since I've written about what's going on in my world though I have tried to keep up with everyone elses. After undergoing the most intense period of my life, I have taken the New York Bar exam. I literally "hit the wall" as my husband would say, in that I studied so hard until near the end, I just couldn't study any more. I tried but not another piece of information would come into my head. I was forced to stop! Unbelieveable. Alas, it was exam day. I was nervous. The exam began. I felt a throbbing in my throat. I quickly got over it. Through the 50 multiple choice questions I went and onto the essays. At first, I froze. Everything I had memorized, for hours, suddenly I went blank. Stop! Take another deep breath. It came back. I wrote furiously as we were constantly reminded, time is of the essence. Lunch time. The lines to the ladies room were wrapped around the room. Bummer. Dash outside into the warmth of the sun. The testing room was freezing as the air conditioner was on blast. Back for the afternoon session. Three more essays. Doing good, doing good until ahhhh, wouldn't you know it. The one thing I didn't cover only because I couldn't do anymore was the one question asked: In the world of corporations, talk about a proxy! F%&*. Well, how hard could that be. Fake it! Whew. The bell rang, I finished the exam. Day one. Done.

So, I should rush home, eat, study, prepare for day two, early to bed. Somehow, I couldn't do it. Instead, I wandered around Times Square, in a daze. I thought, maybe I should just rent a hotel room, take a hot bath, sink into the covers, ahhhh. Yes! No! If you think there is a recession, think again. Not in NYC there's not. There wasn't a room to be had, anywhere. Holy S@#$. It's 10:00pm. I'm still wandering aimlessly. Get on the dreaded subway. Bury my face in my hands. Cry all the way uptown. I arrive home. Husband is traveling back from Deleware where he spent the day golfing. GOLFING! My sitter, who had done a great job all summer cooking dinner, and washing the dishes, tonight of all nights, the kitchen is a disaster. I send her home, nervous because it is so late and she too has to travel the dreaded subway. At least my darling Julia is asleep. Clean up the freaking kitchen. Have a cup of hot tea, one liquid Advil (all I need is one) off to sleep I go. Awake for day two of the exam. Last night, the worse night of the year, thank goodness is over, gone back into oblivion where it came from. Back in my seat. 200 multiple choice questions. Doing good. About 3pm I begin to fade. Snap to it kiddo, you can do it. 4:30pm. Finish, I did it. The End.

Having now, decompressed, here I am, asking the questions I asked several years ago.... Who am I, Where am I going and How am I going to get there. My baby, India, India, My Baby!

To be continued......

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

glad to hear from you

oh todd... your girls are beautiful! thank you so much for sharing. i am so happy i have this blog to turn to. right now i have so much "law" in my head i literally don't know if i'm coming or going. Edward, i take the bar exam on july 27th & 28th. nothing should be this hard.

i must admit though i got very nervous reading Amani's update on the new mandate being circulated at the clinics. Don't these countries have other more important things to think about like saving the environment rather then interferring with someone who is only trying to do something as innocent as having a family... what is this world coming to?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Dear All

I am so overwhelmed right now that I am speechless. I haven't meant to stay away so long and as you all have probably noticed I have been checking in by posting good wishes, support and baby dust to others in the community but as for myself... aahhh. Studying for this bar exam is like trying to develop rocket fuel to fly to the moon. I have put in so much time and energy and like everything else in life, I have no idea how it will all turn out but enough about that.

I am happy to report that through all of this fog a bright light has appeared and that is, I found out that we have options! While we will hopefully embark on our final fet in the very near future, I've learned that we can use an ED and an SM to start fresh all over again. It's a very long story but I thought it would be impossible to do but it's not. Dr. Shivani thinks this is excellent news. That makes me happy.

At the same time I am feeling very close to my last two little snowflakes. Though they have been in a frozen state for 4 years now and all of their little siblings have passed on back into the universe from whence they came, they are still my babies. I love them dearly just as much as they were here alive on Earth with me, in my arms. While I haven't been able to touch them, I feel them, their little heart beats, their spirit and if this last fet doesn't take, I will be so sad to see them go. I feel as though we have come a long way together.

I have cared for them, loved them, thought of them everyday. I don't want to send them off like oh well I know this isn't going to work so lets start planning now for round 2. It seems like such a cold dismissal, such a lack of faith. Where is the line drawn between being respectful of the frozen embies and being realistic? Somewhere deep inside of them I know their hearts beat. They are alive. I am firmly convinced that it is all in the thawing and you just never know. After all I think, how would I feel after being put into the deep freeze, suddenly thawed and then quickly deposited inside a warm, comfy belly? As nurturing as it sounds, its a lot for a grownup to undergo much less a wee tiny embryo.

oh well. it's off to dream land for me (night time asleep as opposed to day time and my usual). Pleasant dreams everyone.

Friday, June 18, 2010

thanks and....

i love you guys....

cheer up

my apologies as i realized that the title of my last post was so depressing. this site is suppose to be about the uttmost joy, hope and happiness and i for one certainly want to support this. forgive me....

lots of baby dust

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

ours is not to question why ours is just to do or die

thank you everyone for your words of love and support. i never gave any thought in the past about joining a support group but wow you guys make such a difference in the way i feel.

i was in my bar prep class this evening where the professor lectures at a mile a minute and we sit thre typing on our laptops, capturing every word that comes out of his mouth for our notes to study by and here i was typing away, staring into space with tears rolling down my cheeks.

pam, i am so sorry to hear about your losing your fet. i was thinking maybe it was the fact that my surrogate at 22 yrs old and has three small children of her own and is separated from her husband that maybe it was too much stress for her as to why it didn't work.... but who knows. look at celine dion, after all of her tries she is finally, finally pregnant with twins. there might still be a miracle or two left for us.

at least we have the arrival of amani's baby to be excited about and it's coming soon. thank goodness we won't have to wait long. i don't think i could stand waiting around for weeks and weeks as i know when we do try again, we'll then have to wait for the media to come in from london and it will be yet another delay.

and of course we have crystal's episode to follow, triplets, yikes. i guess orea zoi is in transit and all consumed with meeting his wee ones. can't wait for his next post. so there is enough to keep busy and hopeful.

in the meantime just sign me,
maybe next time

and the latest news is

hi everyone..... i have kept from posting because i have been so nervous about our transfer until i was just too scared and left speechless to ramble on. basically, i could only reach out to give my support and good wishes to the rest of you. i have been praying for high numbers... high numbers on my up coming bar exam, high numbers on the property we are trying to sell and more than anything, high numbers on the beta results.

Dr. Shivani enlisted a beautiful young surrogate for us to try once again. the procedure took place on June 6th. i have just received the results and unfortunately it was not at all what we prayed for. in fact these numbers were lower than they ever have been. and so, no we are not pregnant and yes i am sad. but because i'm getting use to the disappointment (this makes the fifth failed attempt) and with the fact that this time, i'm totally consumed with studying, i haven't had time to really obsess over it, rather than cry, i'm just numb; it hasn't even hit me.

what continues to confuss me is the process of life and its coincidences. i see all of these little coincidences and i think it means something and it turns out to mean nothing at all. for example... i transferred three valves containing 2 frozen embryos a piece from my clinic here in new york to new delhi, india. the numbers on the valves were respectively 5, 7, 8. i opened up an account with fedex to have container shipped to the phoenix hospital, and the account number ended in 578 - wow i thought, this means something. the other day i randomly opened my bible and came to the verse where the holy ghost leaped into the womb of Elizabeth and she was with child. wow i thought, this really means something. but in the end, it doesn't mean anything. our results are negative, in fact the beta was so low that it almost no beta at all.

now what did happen as a result of a coincidence. i had an fet on june 6, 2009 which failed. this transfer took place on june 6, 2010 and it failed. the last blog i read last night was of the couple who just received a negative beta. they have three frozen embryos left. i gave them my support. this morning i receive my results, basically the same as theirs; now that's a coincidence. why is it all of the negative coincidences come through and the positive ones are illusory?

we are now down to the last straw, literally. there are only two frozen embryos left. we have one last try. talk about pressure and anxiety. these losts are not only hard because it's the lost of our child but also because it is the loss of not being a part of the surrogacy in india community. i've come to feel so close to you all and have such a strong desire to have this experience as part of my being, i feel lost. sigh!

sign me off
so sad

Thursday, May 20, 2010

we're almost there (princess tiana's theme song)

just as dr. shivani promised she has given us the good news that all systems are now go. we have a beautiful new surrogate. i just want to jump through the screen and hug her tightly. i hope and pray to follow in your footsteps guys and soon post photos on the blog of our little one(s) holding on in the womb.

in the meantime i am now studying to take the new york bar exam in july and in a word let me just say it's intense! so if you don't hear from me often it's only because my head is in the books and i'm blurry eyed. i am still with you all in my prayers and dreams and think of you often in between learning the law and keeping my sanity. keep blogging!

Monday, May 10, 2010


Now that we're inching our way through the month I realize that our new surrogate has possibly been chosen and the preliminaries are more than likely underway. This is good news. However now I begin to wonder and naturally worry about the..... what's a good word, chances, probabilities, odds, of our frozen embryos making it to survival?

My fresh embryo transfer went so smoothly. Now after 17 frozen embryos, three failed fet's and only 4 little snowflakes left, I'm wondering if being frozen lessens the viability to the point that they just won't survive. I thought with 3 miscarriages that it was just me. Then my last surrogate experience the exact same lost as I did. It starts with a low beta, (depressing) then a rise in beta, (estatic) then by day 15 a significant beta drop and then the baby is gone..... (deeply depressed).

Has anyone done any significant research on FET's. I've tried but have yet to find anything other than there have been succes stories. Even though they are few, is it all just a matter of what is meant to be will be? que sera sera

It also seems to me that if FET's were not viable the medical community would not consider it as an option. Would they?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

love u guys

gee everyone... thank you so much for your support. gosh this means so much. i hope i didn't hurt anyone's feelings with my OMG blog, especially yours amani. i was feeling a little crazed, like my life is at a standstill. i've got a couple of irons in the fire and nothing has caught yet. sigh! i had the best dose of medicine possible, turning to you guys. my hubby's about to come home so gotta go - my other best medicine. will tune in tomorrow

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


Wow what happened yesterday? I am so sad. Charlie Cat lost her second little bean, Armani cussed someone out and I love u Oreo but what was the photo of the baby's buns suppose to be about - i didn't get it. Lets get back on track guys. Love, positive thoughts, we can do this

Friday, April 30, 2010

second week in june

dr. shivani did check in today. we're looking at the second week in june for the next transfer. since my babies are frozen we have to have a certain thawing media that has to be shipped in from london. in the meantime we're waiting to meet our new surrogate. guess it's just some more of sit back and wait. 0h babydust

Thursday, April 29, 2010

waiting to begin again

dr shivani said she would contact me in a week to let me know how things are progressing with finding a new surrogate.... i haven't heard anything yet but i know she hasn't forgotten us. abc news with diane sawyer did a 5 minute clip on surrogacy in india this week featuring a couple much like ourselves. the couple sought surrogacy in mumbia. the clip was truthful in speaking about how the process basically works and ended with the new mom, back home with her baby, holding back tears of joy as she spoke of how grateful she and her husband are. will there now be a mad rush for people all over the world to head to india.... i pray that everyone in this world who wants a baby will get a baby or two. just don't want the process to be tampered with. you know how someone gets paid a lot of money to mess up a good system that's working....

i love checking in at night, right before i go to sleep, when my household is quite and i can learn of how my surrogacy family is doing and see pictures of the wee ones either still in the oven or out in your arms. can't wait to hear grandma's reaction when she finds out the news from faith to vishwas.

Monday, April 26, 2010

how do they know....

Last week was my cousin's birthday and I sent her a card with $50 in it. It was really very meaningful as neither of us have a lot of spare change these days. She called me this evening from her home in Florida to say I really shouldn't have especially with "the new baby coming." My step-sister-in-law is having a 40th birthday bash in St. Marteens in November and sent out invitations to come on down and join her. I asked my husband if we were going and he replied, "how can we go to St. Marteens and India too?"

At this point I am scared to death to think one way or the other yet these two speak with such confidence like they know next time around is our turn. I just finished reading Johnny and Darren's blog From India With Love. Oh my goodness have you seen their beautiful little baby boy? You must start from the bottom up with the photo of their SI with her beautiful big belly, right through to the birth of the baby, until now, which they are back home in Austrailia. Amazing! It is almost surreal but no it really really happened. I have to paste and copy their headline in this blog as where I really want to post it on my walls, mirrors, and forehead:

From India With Love...
'The only people who end up without a baby, are the people who give up...Here's to never giving up"

I won't, I promise

Saturday, April 24, 2010

the wait begins

Well i did it.... i sent the good dr. shivani the all important email giving her the go ahead to initiate the process once again of seeking out our beloved surrogate. she replied that it will take 4-6 weeks. i have to look at it this way... it gives me more time to focus on my precious daughter. i looked at her today with her disney world shopping bag, in one hand, her hannah montana shopping bag in another and then she said, "wait a minute, i have to get my purse," as she was ready for a playdate. seems like just yesterday she was a baby in my arms. all 4lbs 6ounces of her. lets me know that time does fly. i'm counting my blessing and praying for a few more. i'll let the time pass reading your stories and looking at your beautiful babies growing inside of our precious surrogates.

i never thought i would ever have the opportunity to have a surrogate and here i am. life is so amazing. it can happen. it will happen. sweet dreams everyone

Monday, April 19, 2010

My husband loves me

My husband said the sweetest thing to me today... he said he feels honored that I have the confidence in him to want to have a baby (or two) with him. Guess we're ready to try again.

Friday, April 16, 2010

are we ready yet....

our period of mourning and lamenting, why me, has come to an end and now i believe we are ready to go at it again. my belief and faith that this can happen is still the same as for goodness sake, look how far we've come, too far to give up now and if we got this far, it must be for a reason, else how else or why else are we here, in this place, at this time, so close yet so far?

here i was in nyc, after my 3rd miscarriage, ready to give away my $1,000 bug-a-boo that i had to have when my daughter was born when my husband said, "well why don't you ask that friend of yours who turned to a surrogate how she did it?" well, if you say so, I repied (how often does a wife say that!). so i knocked on the door of that friend and began my inquiry. she said her surrogate had retired but she knew of someone who heard about surrogacy in India. India! we both exclaimed with unheard of disbelief. yeah, India. so I ran upstairs to my apartment and immediately hit the internet, which is how I came to know all of you wonderful people. that's when a whole new world opened up to me.

from there the research began, a wonderful lady by the name of jenine contacted me stating she worked with a referral agency located in australia of all places. her response to every question i threw at her, just waiting to catch her off guard and say, "ah ha, I knew this was a hoax", dispelled every doubt in my mind and then she introduced me to a blessing, Dr. Shivani.

once my husband gave me the okay, i was on a mission. first step was to transport my 6 frozen embryos to Phoenex Hospital. no easy quest as i had a deadline in mind (before mercury the planet of communications went retrograde, known for snarling up communications). the transporter i located in san francisco backed out on me the very last minute, after my husband the lawyer gave him the third degree. with only a few days to go, with the help of Fed Ex to whom I am eternally grateful and of course the grace of God, I pulled it all together and off my wee ones went. if you've been reading this blog from the beginning, the rest of the story from there you know.

so here we go again. what's different this time.... only my attitude, my mental state, my openness to accept whatever the good Lord gives us; a girl, a boy, twins.... i'm open to it all. as we already have a beautiful beautiful little girl, of course i prayed and prayed for the next to be a boy. by doing this was I the one blocking my next little girl from coming into the world? by saying i want a boy, i don't want another girl, has kept my baby from coming, hence the miscarriages? I don't know. Is this all a little too esoteric? Well, maybe but since there is no scientific, physical reason for why we always get to the same point, the 15th day and the baby who is trying so hard to hold on, slips away, this is the only conduit left - the spiritual realm, from whince we all come. Honestly, I don't know. but I have to give it a try.

somehow it all seems so real now causing me to ask, are we ready yet

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

and i wonder

so.... at last check the beta numbers were dropping and it is only a matter of time before the little spirit returns to heaven unable to make the transition to earth. again, i'm shattered. this is the fourth time i've lost my snowflake. the first three times of course i thought it was me but now that the whole process has happened with my soul mate surrogate it must be something else.

it's always the same. the frozen embryo is thawed. it looks good. the transfer is easy. first betas are low but there is definitely a pregnancy. second beta increased but still on the low side. next step sonogram. no sac. by day 15 all is lost.

dear dr. shivani says embryos look good, patients have conceived before, they are good. everything is good except my luck. maybe next time will be our turn. sigh! it seems like with most things that go wrong, it is always something simple that is amiss but in this case what could it be? and i wonder....

so of course with 4 frozen embryos left we will try again but we hesitate until we can get some sort of clarity as to a possible solution so if there is a mistake, we won't do it again. and i wonder...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

sad news

i sadly report that the news today doesn't look good. A sonogram shows that there is no sac and the beta level has only risen to 200. Another test will be taken in 48 hours but for now our hopes are pretty much dashed. I've read over and over how many of you have experienced the same type of pain, saddness, disappointment and mourning the loss of your little spirit after having prayed so hard for a full life, only to have a miracle and dream come true. I can't help but think of Christmas Eve Boys as I write this. We do have 4 more snowflakes left so maybe just maybe there can be a spark of life for us too. Maybe next time we'll be on our way. Best Wishes to you all.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

what a difference a day makes

okay, only two days later and the numbers sky rocketed. you think my heavy prayers the night before had something to do with it.....
i am still being so very cautious. next step, sonogram

Friday, April 2, 2010

well..... never thought i would be here but here i am and here is my story... forgive me if i ramble as i sit here with tears in my eyes. yeah i'm at that point. first let me introduce myself.....
last october after my third failed frozen embryo transfer we decided to look into surrogacy. being from the united states where, in a word, surrogacy is not an option, all roads led to surrogacy in india. i must say i am really proud of myself as in a month's time with the help of the good Lord, i found Dr. Shivani, transported my frozen babies (all 6 of them) via fed ex to whom i am forever grateful and off they safely went to new delhi. after a three month wait (which i wasn't surprised as the planet mars was in retrograde, not to go direct until march) then poof, all systems were go! in the meantime i found my way to all of you, read your blogs religiously, were so happy for you, cried with you, prayed for you (christmas eve boys, 2 afro dads, flight of the bumble bee, chai baby, journey to surrogacy - whose playlist i listen to constantly, crystle, etc. etc. etc) but was always afraid to start a blog of my own out of fear. now you have given me the courage to write and it helps; a lot!
well we just received our first beta yesterday and it is low. the good doctor has said to wait, be patient and don't give up hope. it's good friday so i'm trying. i know many of you have been there as the road isn't often a smooth one but eventually there was a dream to come true, right around the bend. maybe there's a miracle there for me to. what do you think?