Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Dear All

I am so overwhelmed right now that I am speechless. I haven't meant to stay away so long and as you all have probably noticed I have been checking in by posting good wishes, support and baby dust to others in the community but as for myself... aahhh. Studying for this bar exam is like trying to develop rocket fuel to fly to the moon. I have put in so much time and energy and like everything else in life, I have no idea how it will all turn out but enough about that.

I am happy to report that through all of this fog a bright light has appeared and that is, I found out that we have options! While we will hopefully embark on our final fet in the very near future, I've learned that we can use an ED and an SM to start fresh all over again. It's a very long story but I thought it would be impossible to do but it's not. Dr. Shivani thinks this is excellent news. That makes me happy.

At the same time I am feeling very close to my last two little snowflakes. Though they have been in a frozen state for 4 years now and all of their little siblings have passed on back into the universe from whence they came, they are still my babies. I love them dearly just as much as they were here alive on Earth with me, in my arms. While I haven't been able to touch them, I feel them, their little heart beats, their spirit and if this last fet doesn't take, I will be so sad to see them go. I feel as though we have come a long way together.

I have cared for them, loved them, thought of them everyday. I don't want to send them off like oh well I know this isn't going to work so lets start planning now for round 2. It seems like such a cold dismissal, such a lack of faith. Where is the line drawn between being respectful of the frozen embies and being realistic? Somewhere deep inside of them I know their hearts beat. They are alive. I am firmly convinced that it is all in the thawing and you just never know. After all I think, how would I feel after being put into the deep freeze, suddenly thawed and then quickly deposited inside a warm, comfy belly? As nurturing as it sounds, its a lot for a grownup to undergo much less a wee tiny embryo.

oh well. it's off to dream land for me (night time asleep as opposed to day time and my usual). Pleasant dreams everyone.


  1. Just know you are in our thoughts and we are sending you hugs and love.

  2. So glad to hear you are keeping all your options open. Two weeks ago we welcomed two beautiful daughters into our family as the product of a FET cycle, and there are plenty other examples besides ourselves that this can work. But, that means it also doesn't work a good part of the time... you are so wise to keep your other options moving along too. Stay strong!

  3. When we had our first and only FET cycle, I was so sure it wouldn't work that I wanted to plan the next fresh cycle before it was even finished. I think its wonderful that you have a plan B and maybe it can help take the stress off of this next attempt without diminishing the possibility of a wonderful success.

    When do you take the bar exam?

    Sending you best wishes from Alaska, and yes, that was snow on the ground but it is only near the glacier thank goodness...

  4. Thinking of you, too. And hoping all goes well in all that you're involved in. You've got a lot on, girl!