Wednesday, June 16, 2010

and the latest news is

hi everyone..... i have kept from posting because i have been so nervous about our transfer until i was just too scared and left speechless to ramble on. basically, i could only reach out to give my support and good wishes to the rest of you. i have been praying for high numbers... high numbers on my up coming bar exam, high numbers on the property we are trying to sell and more than anything, high numbers on the beta results.

Dr. Shivani enlisted a beautiful young surrogate for us to try once again. the procedure took place on June 6th. i have just received the results and unfortunately it was not at all what we prayed for. in fact these numbers were lower than they ever have been. and so, no we are not pregnant and yes i am sad. but because i'm getting use to the disappointment (this makes the fifth failed attempt) and with the fact that this time, i'm totally consumed with studying, i haven't had time to really obsess over it, rather than cry, i'm just numb; it hasn't even hit me.

what continues to confuss me is the process of life and its coincidences. i see all of these little coincidences and i think it means something and it turns out to mean nothing at all. for example... i transferred three valves containing 2 frozen embryos a piece from my clinic here in new york to new delhi, india. the numbers on the valves were respectively 5, 7, 8. i opened up an account with fedex to have container shipped to the phoenix hospital, and the account number ended in 578 - wow i thought, this means something. the other day i randomly opened my bible and came to the verse where the holy ghost leaped into the womb of Elizabeth and she was with child. wow i thought, this really means something. but in the end, it doesn't mean anything. our results are negative, in fact the beta was so low that it almost no beta at all.

now what did happen as a result of a coincidence. i had an fet on june 6, 2009 which failed. this transfer took place on june 6, 2010 and it failed. the last blog i read last night was of the couple who just received a negative beta. they have three frozen embryos left. i gave them my support. this morning i receive my results, basically the same as theirs; now that's a coincidence. why is it all of the negative coincidences come through and the positive ones are illusory?

we are now down to the last straw, literally. there are only two frozen embryos left. we have one last try. talk about pressure and anxiety. these losts are not only hard because it's the lost of our child but also because it is the loss of not being a part of the surrogacy in india community. i've come to feel so close to you all and have such a strong desire to have this experience as part of my being, i feel lost. sigh!

sign me off
so sad


  1. really sorry to read this news this morning. i'm in a very similar situation as you: i have one little girl and just three frozen embryos left in india after a failed fresh cycle and a miscarriage after an FET.

    i keep reminding myself that i don't know where this is all heading. that there are lessons left to learn on this journey. that we're only waiting for something WONDERFUL to come into our lives. we are already so lucky.

    i want to offer you my most sincere support. good luck with with the bar.

  2. I am sooooo sorry. I know how negative result can bring you down and make you feel hopeless. But there is still hope with the remaining embrios.
    You are already surrogacy community. You are in our hearts and thoughts. You are one of us!

  3. Oh Coco. I was SO sad to read your news. The waiting is hard enough, and then to find out it didn't work... :( People always say that things work out for a reason, but sometimes it's so hard to see that reason. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers for those last two embryos. Ula is matter what happens you are, and always will be part of the surrogacy community!!

  4. Oh no, I am so sorry to read this post. This is just so darned difficult for some people, and I wish you weren't one of them. You are a beautiful ray of light in our surrogacy community, always positive and supportive to others, and excited for everyone, and you have your own pain going on. You are one of "us" and always will be. I hope you can try again as soon as possible and get that positive with high beta numbers so we can rejoice with you.

  5. I'm so sorry to hear your disappointing news. It's not fair.

    I know exactly what you mean about looking for signs and meaning in things. It used to be my religion, but after three negatives, I too have lost faith in 'patterns'.

    I guess the best way to deal with these things is to keep moving. You will get your baby, just not right now.

    Good luck for your exams and selling your house.

    We love u and wish u lots and lots of baby dust.