hi everyone..... i have kept from posting because i have been so nervous about our transfer until i was just too scared and left speechless to ramble on. basically, i could only reach out to give my support and good wishes to the rest of you. i have been praying for high numbers... high numbers on my up coming bar exam, high numbers on the property we are trying to sell and more than anything, high numbers on the beta results.
Dr. Shivani enlisted a beautiful young surrogate for us to try once again. the procedure took place on June 6th. i have just received the results and unfortunately it was not at all what we prayed for. in fact these numbers were lower than they ever have been. and so, no we are not pregnant and yes i am sad. but because i'm getting use to the disappointment (this makes the fifth failed attempt) and with the fact that this time, i'm totally consumed with studying, i haven't had time to really obsess over it, rather than cry, i'm just numb; it hasn't even hit me.
what continues to confuss me is the process of life and its coincidences. i see all of these little coincidences and i think it means something and it turns out to mean nothing at all. for example... i transferred three valves containing 2 frozen embryos a piece from my clinic here in new york to new delhi, india. the numbers on the valves were respectively 5, 7, 8. i opened up an account with fedex to have container shipped to the phoenix hospital, and the account number ended in 578 - wow i thought, this means something. the other day i randomly opened my bible and came to the verse where the holy ghost leaped into the womb of Elizabeth and she was with child. wow i thought, this really means something. but in the end, it doesn't mean anything. our results are negative, in fact the beta was so low that it almost no beta at all.
now what did happen as a result of a coincidence. i had an fet on june 6, 2009 which failed. this transfer took place on june 6, 2010 and it failed. the last blog i read last night was of the couple who just received a negative beta. they have three frozen embryos left. i gave them my support. this morning i receive my results, basically the same as theirs; now that's a coincidence. why is it all of the negative coincidences come through and the positive ones are illusory?
we are now down to the last straw, literally. there are only two frozen embryos left. we have one last try. talk about pressure and anxiety. these losts are not only hard because it's the lost of our child but also because it is the loss of not being a part of the surrogacy in india community. i've come to feel so close to you all and have such a strong desire to have this experience as part of my being, i feel lost. sigh!
sign me off