Sunday, March 6, 2011

it just occurred to me...

it just occurred to me that not only was the day your baby(ies) were born your baby's birthday but it was also your graduation day! you are no longer an ip (intended parent) with a question mark but a full fledge parent with an exclaimation point. congratulations.

i often worried if i'd ever feel the full and true meaning of this baby being mine all mine. well i can telly you, five years later, yes this baby is mine all mine. not only is she beginning to resemble me she does things that i use to do when i was a little girl. i have felt love and a deep bonding connection from her looking into my eyes since the day she was born like no other love i have ever experienced in my life.

today i realized that surrogacy, ivf, fet and all of the other modern tools of science is possibly the most natural way in this universe to have a baby. this ephifany came about as i looked over the records of a new client we have who is involved in a paternity suit. there next to the child's name was "born out of wedlock." while baby was conceived "naturally" I began to think how sad their situation is and there is nothing natural about that. alternatively, what could be more natural than a miracle from God, which gave you your baby and if you're reading this blog then you know it took a miracle to have the baby you are holding in your arms right now.

so as anxities begin to creep in through all of the joy you're experiencing now that you are a parent, shoo them away. your baby traveled through the universe to be with you. make no mistake this baby is yours.

for all of you trying... keep trying!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

at this point in time

my dear surrogacy in india community,
how i miss you all so much. besides my immediate family i don't think there is anything or anyone else i feel so emotionally connected to. i keep up with you all like a distant admirer who is in awe of your courage and good fortune. i can't believe i have followed a distant miracle from the very beginning and now the boston couple have had their baby. i've been equally excited about everyone having their baby or babies as the case may be but for most, i've come aboard mid-stream, except for christmas eve boys and two afro dads, guess i've been here for awhile now. Going through the anxiety with you from day 1 to birth is a joy. it thrills me so as i vividly imagine the excitment of a dream come true. ahhhh

well coco and what's new with your life? would you believe it if i said nothing! maybe i'm becoming more thankful for the gifts that life has bestowed upon me if for no other reason than i don't want to become cynical. but when i tell you nothing has changed, nothing has. to find out what this really means just read back a few posts.

oh come on, something must be new... well yeah. we are currently going through kindergarten application/admissions for the fall 2011-12 term and talk about anxiety through the roof. we're talking about a serious, dog eat dog rat race here. the process has been unbelieveable. so we were told to apply to at least 10 schools however filling out the applications were time consuming and expensive, not to mention there weren't ten schools that we liked. so we applied to six, one of which we dropped out because after visiting the school we saw that it wasn't a fit for our daughter. the school, convent of the scared heart was way too strict, an all girls school, and the uniforms were yuck. now in order for this to make sense you have to understand, my julia is a girlie girl. what kind of mother would i be to douse her spirit by sending her to a convent. i'm told when you have only one child you don't want to send them to a single sex school or they will never properly socialize so the all girls thing was out. lastly, julia at the age of 5 is very particular about her dress, "pants are for boys and skirts are for girls." she doesn't like jeans or sneakers unless they have all kinds of stars and sparkles on them so the schools uniform of choice was definitely out - all of you new parents will learn to pick and chose your battles - i skirmmed at the thought of 13 years of fighting over having to wear the uniform everyday.

this left us with 5 schools. the results came out last week. we received 2 flat out no and were waitlisted on 3 others, which was really just a nice way of saying, NO. after peeling each other off of the ceiling, and letting go of hyper ventilating, we jumped into plan b. first we called a few of our connections who are now only to glad to make a few phone calls (as one friend said to us, don't you know that that is what the game is all about, it's an insiders club - no, i thought you just followed the instructions....). then i did the eeny meeny miney moe thing and found a school from the list of indenpendent schools that are still accepting applications. fast forward to today, we had an interview, tour and playdate. the verdict will be in next week as to whether it is a yeah or a nah. pray for the yeah as public school in the borough of manhattan in the great city of new york is not an option.

if this isn't enough.... once again i plan to take the new york bar exam next july. i begin studying with a bar prep tutor on march 1st. i think i just might pass this time as i've finally been told what my problem is..... 1. i think like a girl and 2. having previously been (and always will be) a creative artist i'm a right brain person trying to enter a left brain world . this new tutor promises to teach me how to think linear. once i figure out what the heck that means i guess i'll be on my way.

i say a prayer every day and every night for my two little snowflakes sitting on ice in the heart of new delhi. mama hasn't forgotten you. hold on..... i'm coming. it may be by a slow boat through china but one way or another i'm coming to get my babies!

ciao for now

Saturday, January 1, 2011

thank you all just for being you

dear all
happy new year! i have been at a loss for words yet here it is new years day, 2011 and i am so full of hope, joy and excitement, ever so grateful for all that i have that i just wanted to wish everyone the very best. i've been known to ramble on and on and today shouldn't be any exception. i belive last night, just before the stroke of 12 midnight, i had an ephifany. i kissed the first decade of the 21st century goodbye and welcomed 2011. i feel as though i planted good seeds and feel positive that they will yield good fruit.

i reminsced all of dec 4, 2010 as it made one year since i sent my wee ones over to new delhi to be in the good hands of dr. shivani, awaiting to manifest onto this earthly garden. and still we wait as our funds are depleted and with two failed attempts and only one more try to go, we refuse to give up hope to receiving a little brother or sister for our baby julia.

i didn't pass the new york bar exam, we didn't have a baby, we haven't sold our house and our careers are still on tender hooks. however we have enjoyed the good fortune of being a family, in love, in good health and continuing to share in the joy of all of those who have had their babies. wow. i've learned a lot from reading the blogs and at a recent christmas party when i overheard someone talking about their up coming trip to india for a 3 week vacation, i inwardly smiled and was able to share so much about the country with them. so much so that they exclaimed, "have you been there?" only in my heart i replied.

i gained a lot of insight from reading the blog of faith to vishwas - edward is deep. and so i feel strong and can be happy with what ever the good lord bestows upon us. in my deep heart of heart, soul of soul, i miss my baby(ies) still in a frozen state. i cuddle and care for him/her/them even though they are on the other side. they are alive in my heart.

i love my daughter and husband more and more each day. i will continue to follow you all on your journey and wish you the very very best now and always. to my family in surrogacy. Happy New Year!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

one question

okay just one question... how is it that the whole universe is in constant motion and i seem to be at a complete standstill. our house still hasn't sold, my husband's biggest client just went bankrupt (due to no fault of his own. some things are just bigger than we mere mortals), i'm still at square one with our last little snowflake, who must be frozen to death by now....

i know i said just one question but actually there's two. the second one is WHEN

i use to ask my mother the same question, "when am I going to get married and have a baby?" she would reply, holding me in her arms (even though i was well into adulthood), "don't worry, it will happen, when the time is right."

well i'm feeling as though my feet are stuck in flypaper but i guess this is better than sinking in quicksand. so i'll keep my chin up and wait for the sun to shine.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Been such a long time

Seems like such a long time since I've written about what's going on in my world though I have tried to keep up with everyone elses. After undergoing the most intense period of my life, I have taken the New York Bar exam. I literally "hit the wall" as my husband would say, in that I studied so hard until near the end, I just couldn't study any more. I tried but not another piece of information would come into my head. I was forced to stop! Unbelieveable. Alas, it was exam day. I was nervous. The exam began. I felt a throbbing in my throat. I quickly got over it. Through the 50 multiple choice questions I went and onto the essays. At first, I froze. Everything I had memorized, for hours, suddenly I went blank. Stop! Take another deep breath. It came back. I wrote furiously as we were constantly reminded, time is of the essence. Lunch time. The lines to the ladies room were wrapped around the room. Bummer. Dash outside into the warmth of the sun. The testing room was freezing as the air conditioner was on blast. Back for the afternoon session. Three more essays. Doing good, doing good until ahhhh, wouldn't you know it. The one thing I didn't cover only because I couldn't do anymore was the one question asked: In the world of corporations, talk about a proxy! F%&*. Well, how hard could that be. Fake it! Whew. The bell rang, I finished the exam. Day one. Done.

So, I should rush home, eat, study, prepare for day two, early to bed. Somehow, I couldn't do it. Instead, I wandered around Times Square, in a daze. I thought, maybe I should just rent a hotel room, take a hot bath, sink into the covers, ahhhh. Yes! No! If you think there is a recession, think again. Not in NYC there's not. There wasn't a room to be had, anywhere. Holy S@#$. It's 10:00pm. I'm still wandering aimlessly. Get on the dreaded subway. Bury my face in my hands. Cry all the way uptown. I arrive home. Husband is traveling back from Deleware where he spent the day golfing. GOLFING! My sitter, who had done a great job all summer cooking dinner, and washing the dishes, tonight of all nights, the kitchen is a disaster. I send her home, nervous because it is so late and she too has to travel the dreaded subway. At least my darling Julia is asleep. Clean up the freaking kitchen. Have a cup of hot tea, one liquid Advil (all I need is one) off to sleep I go. Awake for day two of the exam. Last night, the worse night of the year, thank goodness is over, gone back into oblivion where it came from. Back in my seat. 200 multiple choice questions. Doing good. About 3pm I begin to fade. Snap to it kiddo, you can do it. 4:30pm. Finish, I did it. The End.

Having now, decompressed, here I am, asking the questions I asked several years ago.... Who am I, Where am I going and How am I going to get there. My baby, India, India, My Baby!

To be continued......

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

glad to hear from you

oh todd... your girls are beautiful! thank you so much for sharing. i am so happy i have this blog to turn to. right now i have so much "law" in my head i literally don't know if i'm coming or going. Edward, i take the bar exam on july 27th & 28th. nothing should be this hard.

i must admit though i got very nervous reading Amani's update on the new mandate being circulated at the clinics. Don't these countries have other more important things to think about like saving the environment rather then interferring with someone who is only trying to do something as innocent as having a family... what is this world coming to?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Dear All

I am so overwhelmed right now that I am speechless. I haven't meant to stay away so long and as you all have probably noticed I have been checking in by posting good wishes, support and baby dust to others in the community but as for myself... aahhh. Studying for this bar exam is like trying to develop rocket fuel to fly to the moon. I have put in so much time and energy and like everything else in life, I have no idea how it will all turn out but enough about that.

I am happy to report that through all of this fog a bright light has appeared and that is, I found out that we have options! While we will hopefully embark on our final fet in the very near future, I've learned that we can use an ED and an SM to start fresh all over again. It's a very long story but I thought it would be impossible to do but it's not. Dr. Shivani thinks this is excellent news. That makes me happy.

At the same time I am feeling very close to my last two little snowflakes. Though they have been in a frozen state for 4 years now and all of their little siblings have passed on back into the universe from whence they came, they are still my babies. I love them dearly just as much as they were here alive on Earth with me, in my arms. While I haven't been able to touch them, I feel them, their little heart beats, their spirit and if this last fet doesn't take, I will be so sad to see them go. I feel as though we have come a long way together.

I have cared for them, loved them, thought of them everyday. I don't want to send them off like oh well I know this isn't going to work so lets start planning now for round 2. It seems like such a cold dismissal, such a lack of faith. Where is the line drawn between being respectful of the frozen embies and being realistic? Somewhere deep inside of them I know their hearts beat. They are alive. I am firmly convinced that it is all in the thawing and you just never know. After all I think, how would I feel after being put into the deep freeze, suddenly thawed and then quickly deposited inside a warm, comfy belly? As nurturing as it sounds, its a lot for a grownup to undergo much less a wee tiny embryo.

oh well. it's off to dream land for me (night time asleep as opposed to day time and my usual). Pleasant dreams everyone.