second week in june

dr. shivani did check in today. we're looking at the second week in june for the next transfer. since my babies are frozen we have to have a certain thawing media that has to be shipped in from london. in the meantime we're waiting to meet our new surrogate. guess it's just some more of sit back and wait. 0h babydust

waiting to begin again

dr shivani said she would contact me in a week to let me know how things are progressing with finding a new surrogate.... i haven't heard anything yet but i know she hasn't forgotten us. abc news with diane sawyer did a 5 minute clip on surrogacy in india this week featuring a couple much like ourselves. the couple sought surrogacy in mumbia. the clip was truthful in speaking about how the process basically works and ended with the new mom, back home with her baby, holding back tears of joy as she spoke of how grateful she and her husband are. will there now be a mad rush for people all over the world to head to india.... i pray that everyone in this world who wants a baby will get a baby or two. just don't want the process to be tampered with. you know how someone gets paid a lot of money to mess up a good system that's working....

i love checking in at night, right before i go to sleep, when my household is quite and i can learn of how my surrogacy family is doing and see pictures of the wee ones either still in the oven or out in your arms. can't wait to hear grandma's reaction when she finds out the news from faith to vishwas.

how do they know....

Last week was my cousin's birthday and I sent her a card with $50 in it. It was really very meaningful as neither of us have a lot of spare change these days. She called me this evening from her home in Florida to say I really shouldn't have especially with "the new baby coming." My step-sister-in-law is having a 40th birthday bash in St. Marteens in November and sent out invitations to come on down and join her. I asked my husband if we were going and he replied, "how can we go to St. Marteens and India too?"

At this point I am scared to death to think one way or the other yet these two speak with such confidence like they know next time around is our turn. I just finished reading Johnny and Darren's blog From India With Love. Oh my goodness have you seen their beautiful little baby boy? You must start from the bottom up with the photo of their SI with her beautiful big belly, right through to the birth of the baby, until now, which they are back home in Austrailia. Amazing! It is almost surreal but no it really really happened. I have to paste and copy their headline in this blog as where I really want to post it on my walls, mirrors, and forehead:

From India With Love...
'The only people who end up without a baby, are the people who give up...Here's to never giving up"

I won't, I promise

the wait begins

Well i did it.... i sent the good dr. shivani the all important email giving her the go ahead to initiate the process once again of seeking out our beloved surrogate. she replied that it will take 4-6 weeks. i have to look at it this way... it gives me more time to focus on my precious daughter. i looked at her today with her disney world shopping bag, in one hand, her hannah montana shopping bag in another and then she said, "wait a minute, i have to get my purse," as she was ready for a playdate. seems like just yesterday she was a baby in my arms. all 4lbs 6ounces of her. lets me know that time does fly. i'm counting my blessing and praying for a few more. i'll let the time pass reading your stories and looking at your beautiful babies growing inside of our precious surrogates.

i never thought i would ever have the opportunity to have a surrogate and here i am. life is so amazing. it can happen. it will happen. sweet dreams everyone

My husband loves me

My husband said the sweetest thing to me today... he said he feels honored that I have the confidence in him to want to have a baby (or two) with him. Guess we're ready to try again.

are we ready yet....

our period of mourning and lamenting, why me, has come to an end and now i believe we are ready to go at it again. my belief and faith that this can happen is still the same as for goodness sake, look how far we've come, too far to give up now and if we got this far, it must be for a reason, else how else or why else are we here, in this place, at this time, so close yet so far?

here i was in nyc, after my 3rd miscarriage, ready to give away my $1,000 bug-a-boo that i had to have when my daughter was born when my husband said, "well why don't you ask that friend of yours who turned to a surrogate how she did it?" well, if you say so, I repied (how often does a wife say that!). so i knocked on the door of that friend and began my inquiry. she said her surrogate had retired but she knew of someone who heard about surrogacy in India. India! we both exclaimed with unheard of disbelief. yeah, India. so I ran upstairs to my apartment and immediately hit the internet, which is how I came to know all of you wonderful people. that's when a whole new world opened up to me.

from there the research began, a wonderful lady by the name of jenine contacted me stating she worked with a referral agency located in australia of all places. her response to every question i threw at her, just waiting to catch her off guard and say, "ah ha, I knew this was a hoax", dispelled every doubt in my mind and then she introduced me to a blessing, Dr. Shivani.

once my husband gave me the okay, i was on a mission. first step was to transport my 6 frozen embryos to Phoenex Hospital. no easy quest as i had a deadline in mind (before mercury the planet of communications went retrograde, known for snarling up communications). the transporter i located in san francisco backed out on me the very last minute, after my husband the lawyer gave him the third degree. with only a few days to go, with the help of Fed Ex to whom I am eternally grateful and of course the grace of God, I pulled it all together and off my wee ones went. if you've been reading this blog from the beginning, the rest of the story from there you know.

so here we go again. what's different this time.... only my attitude, my mental state, my openness to accept whatever the good Lord gives us; a girl, a boy, twins.... i'm open to it all. as we already have a beautiful beautiful little girl, of course i prayed and prayed for the next to be a boy. by doing this was I the one blocking my next little girl from coming into the world? by saying i want a boy, i don't want another girl, has kept my baby from coming, hence the miscarriages? I don't know. Is this all a little too esoteric? Well, maybe but since there is no scientific, physical reason for why we always get to the same point, the 15th day and the baby who is trying so hard to hold on, slips away, this is the only conduit left - the spiritual realm, from whince we all come. Honestly, I don't know. but I have to give it a try.

somehow it all seems so real now causing me to ask, are we ready yet

and i wonder

so.... at last check the beta numbers were dropping and it is only a matter of time before the little spirit returns to heaven unable to make the transition to earth. again, i'm shattered. this is the fourth time i've lost my snowflake. the first three times of course i thought it was me but now that the whole process has happened with my soul mate surrogate it must be something else.

it's always the same. the frozen embryo is thawed. it looks good. the transfer is easy. first betas are low but there is definitely a pregnancy. second beta increased but still on the low side. next step sonogram. no sac. by day 15 all is lost.

dear dr. shivani says embryos look good, patients have conceived before, they are good. everything is good except my luck. maybe next time will be our turn. sigh! it seems like with most things that go wrong, it is always something simple that is amiss but in this case what could it be? and i wonder....

so of course with 4 frozen embryos left we will try again but we hesitate until we can get some sort of clarity as to a possible solution so if there is a mistake, we won't do it again. and i wonder...

sad news

i sadly report that the news today doesn't look good. A sonogram shows that there is no sac and the beta level has only risen to 200. Another test will be taken in 48 hours but for now our hopes are pretty much dashed. I've read over and over how many of you have experienced the same type of pain, saddness, disappointment and mourning the loss of your little spirit after having prayed so hard for a full life, only to have a miracle and dream come true. I can't help but think of Christmas Eve Boys as I write this. We do have 4 more snowflakes left so maybe just maybe there can be a spark of life for us too. Maybe next time we'll be on our way. Best Wishes to you all.

what a difference a day makes

okay, only two days later and the numbers sky rocketed. you think my heavy prayers the night before had something to do with it.....
i am still being so very cautious. next step, sonogram

well..... never thought i would be here but here i am and here is my story... forgive me if i ramble as i sit here with tears in my eyes. yeah i'm at that point. first let me introduce myself.....
last october after my third failed frozen embryo transfer we decided to look into surrogacy. being from the united states where, in a word, surrogacy is not an option, all roads led to surrogacy in india. i must say i am really proud of myself as in a month's time with the help of the good Lord, i found Dr. Shivani, transported my frozen babies (all 6 of them) via fed ex to whom i am forever grateful and off they safely went to new delhi. after a three month wait (which i wasn't surprised as the planet mars was in retrograde, not to go direct until march) then poof, all systems were go! in the meantime i found my way to all of you, read your blogs religiously, were so happy for you, cried with you, prayed for you (christmas eve boys, 2 afro dads, flight of the bumble bee, chai baby, journey to surrogacy - whose playlist i listen to constantly, crystle, etc. etc. etc) but was always afraid to start a blog of my own out of fear. now you have given me the courage to write and it helps; a lot!
well we just received our first beta yesterday and it is low. the good doctor has said to wait, be patient and don't give up hope. it's good friday so i'm trying. i know many of you have been there as the road isn't often a smooth one but eventually there was a dream to come true, right around the bend. maybe there's a miracle there for me to. what do you think?